FFS Friday!

As I was wading across my RSS feed this week, I saw this story a few times…..it’s………it’s just……here, read it. I’ll wait.

Ffs1

Please…by all means, read the full article here. I’ll wait. 

*deep breath*

It’s actually a pretty horrible story about a friend who has sex with another friend while in this “gravy-wrestling model’s” house.

But, she caught 2 of her friends having sex with each other, got pretty upset, shouted at them, only to be hit in the face with the MONKEYWRENCH that was on the floor next to the pair in mid-coitus.

monkeywrench………on the floor……FFS.

I mean, it’s alright if the floor is made of pegboard, and the tool is properly outlined, but I doubt that. 

And the Daily Mail editors deserve a big FFS on this one too. While the title makes you read, the pictures are deceiving. In the picture above you get the model portion of the title, while the “gravy wrestler” portion garners a small paragraph tucked into the middle of the story, accompanied by this picture:

Article-0-127d37cc000005dc-891_634x455

GGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! 

FFS, Daily Mail, way to make it seem like gravy wrestling, having monkeywrenches laying around the floor of your house, and getting pummelled by brothers of friends is all in a English week for you fine chaps.

Advertisements

West Side (of Sacramento) Story

Pic from scene uploaded via Instagram

Alright. So, without reading any further than the sentence describing the story I put above, here’s MY interpretation of what happened.

Girlfriend: “What did that bitch just say? She hopes my man has a ‘good night’? Awwwwww hell nawwww”

*clicks Create Event*

Friend of Girlfriend opens Facebook to find she’s been invited to “Beat this Bitch Ass” Event scheduled for tomorrow night. She excitedly accepts and shares to her wall. More friends follow suit. 

Really….read the article, then watch the news story about it. These chicks were HARDCORE. One of them took a candle from a MEMORIAL (read: a shrine to dead people), broke it, and then used it as a weapon.

Yes. She took a Jesus candle, broke it on the street, and prepared to use her Jesus shank on some people.

The two people that had injuries sustained them with BASEBALL BATS. 

What the hell goes on in Sacramento that a mob of 30 crazy women with baseball bats and broken glass doesn’t prompt some kind of hysteria?

Watch the video, the woman that gives the account to the reporter works at the convienience store, and claims many of them “came in to buy drinks”………..

Fresca

Fresca: more refreshing than fracturing that bitch’s skull.

Stay classy, Sacramento. 


FFS Friday!

FFS is my new favorite acronym. The first word is For and the last word is Sake. You can figure out the rest. 

Today, I had a FFS moment.

I got to meet our neighbor, Justin, FINALLY!

He and his wife are out tending their yards FAITHFULLY every Saturday, and more if need be. Their yards look amazing.

He came over to tell me his wife collected a “can full” of rocks, and a bottle of Visine from their backyard. He said, understandably, that they “work their asses off” keeping their yards nice, and he would like me to please ask my kids to stop. He was “sorry to meet me under these circumstances” and didn’t want to be “that dick neighbor”, and politely asked me to tell my kids to knock it the fuck off.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Won’t happen again, sir. Goodbye, sir, nice to finally meet you.

**shuts front door**

“WHAT IN GOD’S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU LITTLE CRETINS DOING THROWING ROCKS OVER THE WALL!?! BRODY, GET YOUR ASS INSIDE (he was outside) AND GET DRESSED! DO NOT GO OUTSIDE WITHOUT CLOTHES ON, THIS ISN’T A DAMN NUDIST COLONY. AND HOW THE HELL DID YOU GUYS GET VISINE FROM WHEREVER IT WAS PUT UP AWAY FROM YOU, AND THEN PROCEED TO THROW IT OVER THE DAMN WALL. FFS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?”

And, of course, working man Mr. Justin comes over when I’m into full on day 2.5 of slobiness, my look from the HauteHobo collection…..

Slob

“Kids! Answer the door! It’s probably those damn HOA fuckers again. Tell them to get bent.”

Ugh. Making friends in Gilbert! Gotta love it. Happy Friday all!

 


My Mistresses….

I haven’t posted for a while, apparently due to a bout with depression.

My docs said it’s common for many heart patients to go through depression when they realize they may not be able to do some of the things they used to do. Instead of work, I was zoning out on the computer and Xbox. Instead of not stressing, I was wanting to drink all the time, and becoming an asshole again (allegedly). 

So my wife gave me the nicest, kindest boot up my ass that she could muster, and told me to snap the fuck out of it.

And here is my attempt.

My mistresses will still see me on a regular basis, for without the computer, I could not interact with my wife’s clients, impart my razor wit and raucous humor on Facebook, and post this very blog which nobody reads, except for people that want to see Adam Levine naked, apparently.

My Xbox, my baby, my fickle lover that teases me with that glowing ring of hers, and the hours of enjoyment she provides on a daily (yes, daily ladies, beat that) basis. I will never give her up, never let her down, never run around and…..you know the rest.

My wife works hard at running the business, and even takes care of a lot of the stuff from home as well. She is, unfortunately, gone from home a lot, so the computer is the closest thing to adult interaction I get all day.

But, it did get a little out of control, and she snapped me back into my awesome, radiant, glowing personality.

So, I’m sorry to anyone that was waiting for a new post (*snicker*). As some sort of catharsis, I’m thinking about writing ANOTHER blog full of rants, opinions, and more adult-centric conversation that will hopefully spark some kind of intelligent debate to satiate my desire for adult interaction. I’ll post more on that as I work up to it.

But in the meantime, I’ll tip my Friday ration of adult beverages to my readers, and my NEW FANS ON FACEBOOK!! Woooohooo!! Welcome and welcome back.

Here’s to being Sooper.


You don’t have to be smart to have a smartphone…

and now there’s Olivia Munn:

Olivia_munn

and Christina Hendricks:

Christina_hendricks

(Some of the pics from these ladies were a lot worse, and not safe for work)

My question is: WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU KEEP THESE ON YOUR PHONE?!!?

I’m not complaining that these made the light of day, by any means. I think it’s awesome that these women are proud enough of their bodies to show them to every breathing man with a huge libido and equally large imaginations. 

With the technology employed in todays smartphones, they’re basically carrying around a computer in thier purses. The REAL question is: Why can’t these hackers hit their home computers and find the cache of REALLY juicy stuff?!??!

Half of me says that this is great publicity on thier part, it keeps their names relevant. However, ScarJo denied, Munn denied, Hendricks said the really naughty one wasn’t her, but the rest are. ScarJo later admitted, Munn is still denying, even though THAT IS HER FACE AND HER BODY. Men have seen it before in Maxim and other fanboy publications, just not to the extent that the pics go.

The other half of me says “If I ever had to deal with this with my daughter, she would be sent back to the stone ages of technology. She would have to beat rocks and sticks together to communicate with the outside world, if she was ever allowed out of the house again.”

I really don’t know how to combat this with my child, other than to not give her a phone, but what’s going to be the trend when she’s old enough to get one for herself?

To the stars that want to keep taking pics on thier cell phones to get “hacked”: Are you too good to make a sex tape that gets “leaked” like everyone else?!?

 


WTFriday!

For many of us, television is a form of entertainment that has played a major part in our culture and enjoyment. Why shouldn’t our pets get in on the action.

“Excuse me?” you say….

I say “DOGtv, the first network built exclusively FOR DOGS.” 

This isn’t even a joke. 

Through years of research with some of the world’s top pet experts, special content was created to meet specific attributes of a dog’s sense of vision and hearing and supports their natural behavior patterns. The result: a confident, happy dog, who’s less likely to develop stress, separation anxiety or other related problems.

Or, you just get a dog that is going to hog the remote when YOU want to watch something. And become a couch potato.

Dogtv_-_what


Monkey See, Monkey Do…

Even Captain Picard is disappointed in you, son.

2. The Life Sentence 

The life sentence usually shows after you have already punished the child for something, and the child refuses to abide by the terms of the current punishment. If you tell the child to stay in the room, you will see them peeking around corners, yelling at the top of thier lungs, kicking inanimate objects such as doors or walls, and other general horribleness.

I respond with the life sentence: 

“That’s IT! You are grounded FOREVER!”

“You are never touching this again until you’re 45!”

“You can get this back………..when you’re done with COLLEGE!” 

Locked_up

Sorry, kid. The Governor can’t bail you out of this one.

3. The Cinderella Clause 

Parents give their older children chores. They depend on those chores getting done to secure the last piece of thier sanity remaining. Children have a way of complaining about said chores EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, even though they have done the exact same chore for the previous 6 weeks straight. 

When this happens, and this dad is at the end of his rope, I envoke the Cinderella Clause:

“Since your brother/sister isn’t complaining, maybe you should go ahead and do his/her chores too, and give him/her a night off. Yeah, that sounds like a GREAT idea!”

“Keep complaining. Oh, and by the way, when you’re done with that, go wash the car.”

Cleaning

Missed a spot.

4. The Hippocratic Threat

When I was young, I had a problem with defecating. I would dread it. This was before the time when we actually knew about different conditions that would make this painful and/or uncomfortable, but my dad fixed my problem. By threatening to “fix” it with a pair of snub nosed pliers. I thought this was cruel and unusual punishment, until years later when my daughter had the same problem, and I offered THE SAME SOLUTION before I could stop the words from sliding past my teeth.

This usually involves some unprofessional medical opinion that usually scares the shit out of a child.

“Oh, your tummy hurts? It’s not because you don’t want to eat your broccoli? Well, then…wash your hands, we have to go get you a bunch of shots to figure out what’s wrong with you.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa……you’re screaming like that because you got SHAMPOO in your eyes? Well, let me go get a spoon, and we’ll take those puppies out so you won’t have that problem again.”

Doc

“He keeps getting hangnails. Time to amputate.”

5. The Conversation Ender 

This is the parental trump card, and I have a feeling its used extremely often. 

When a child is getting belligerant and won’t stop, it is the parent’s responsibility to assert and reinforce thier authority status.

“Because I SAID SO, that’s why.”

Dredd

I AM THE LAAAWWW..

So there you have it, tenets of parenthood that need to live on. Parental wisdom that needs to carry on to future generations. Because we don’t want to be the only generation that’s all fucked up.